Desperately seeking Zen

When you're driving home singing songs from "A Chorus Line" like you own it! You wake up with someone you love and his mouth is slightly open and you see what he might have been like at age 5. Your child gives you an unexpected hug. You belly laugh until tears well with your parents and sister on vacation. A child shows you something he is super proud of he made and you think, "This kid is going to make it!" You and your daughter see a homeless guy with a dog dressed up and a sign that says "We like food." The moment is when you hand him the sack full of a sandwich, bagels, a juice, dog snacks and a bag of dog food and a few bucks and he peers in and says to his dog with a huge smile on his face, "Look at this!" The dog's name was "Shy." A friend who has always been there for you calls unexpectedly to unload and ask for advice. You hope yours is good. You hope she gets what she wants.  You organize over 100  people i...

There are times lately when I find myself asking "why?" and I feel numb. Other days my heart is filled with hope and encouragement. It is like I'm on a swing set, pumping up and down, back and forth, up and down, but not really going anywhere. It is hard when someone you desperately love has lost hope no matter what you say or do. The crying goes on, along with deception, self-loathing and darkness. No amount of hugs, listening or tripping over my own advice seems to help. There are no quick fixes to depression and addiction. Our society is set up to believe that if you get counseling, medication and detox or treatment, you will be well again. What I'm realizing is that nobody can make someone else well. Mental health issues are serious stuff that we can't blame on anyone else. Sure life's circumstances can throw you curve balls -- the trick is learning how to hit them back without taking short cuts like  self-harm, alcohol or drugs. It's hard work. T...

I don't know if it's a peri-menopausal thing, delayed ADHD or just my lack of focus nature but lately I've been the extreme act of losing things. Twice this week I've lost, found and lost again a thank you card signed by 10 other people. Today it was my credit card (left it at the restaurant in the little bill pay folder...even after I had signed and paid the bill). I would like to blame it on getting older, and recently a very stressful period in my life, but alas, I remember early in my marriage going through the trash looking for something. I had on my nightgown and was on my knees digging through potato peels, Hamburger Helper leftovers and whatever else a young couple just-out-of-college eats. I have no clue what I had lost or if I found it but I remember looking up and seeing my husband looking at my like a curious specimen in a museum (or maybe a zoo).    I was slightly ashamed but had no apology. I lose things. I stress. I guilt. It's what I do. Just li...

Back in the '80s...or maybe it was the '70s, I remember hearing about some self-help book titled, "I'm OK, You're OK." I think it's a great title, but unfortnately I cannot relate right now. I am not OK. My family is not OK. Oh yes, in the greater scheme of things we have food, water and shelter; two incomes; two great kids and live in a country that despite all its backward flaws and quirks is a pretty damn good place to live. But in the past week my life was turned on its head when I found out that mental health is NOT something to take for granted. Last Tuesday I spent 7+ hours in the Emergency Room psych unit at the local hospital. Out of respect of privacy for the individual involved, I am not going to say who, but let it be known that it was a very sad place and not one I want to revisit. The walls were that soft blue meant to calm. The rooms had no doors for protection and observation. And the lifeless shapes of people obviously desperate enough ...

Last night I was pretty upset when a blog I had been working on about my new "spending diet" suddenly disappeared off the screen. I think it was a sign that writing about not buying a $2 book or an H&M sweater is full of sacrifice is very insipid and not something to which most of America could relate in a time when many Americans are out of work, losing their home or trying to put food on the table. That said, I was distraught over technology taking my words away. So when my sweet, loving second child came in to give me a hug and tell me it would be OK, I did wrong thing -- I lashed out. "No TV for you tonight until you bring up that science grade." No matter that it was already 9:30 p.m. or that she simply wanted to distract me by offering to watch a "Friends" episode. She quietly disappeared to her room where 20 minutes later I found her teary-eyed to offer an apology. It was too late really. Her compassion had been met with hostility. She just wa...

Like many Americans, I recently realized that if you spend more money than you bring in through a paycheck you will go into debt. This is a new experience for me because 1) my husband is German and debt is really not part of his DNA; 2) I learned the hard way in college that a free credit card in the mail does not really mean free when you figure in the 19% interest that comes with it and 3) one can always justify a purchase if you try hard enough...especially shoes! The costs added up slowly...too much eating out, 6 months of karate lessons, political fundraisers, medical co-payments, unexpected tree removal after a storm, another mindless trip to Target and -- the most necessary expense we should have been saving for all along -- tickets to Peru. As the Visa bill climbed close to our limit, my husband and I discussed yet again the whole formula about only buying what you need vs. what you want. I figured it should be simple. The whole living frugally thing is an ironic in...

I have never been much of a shopper. Too many choices, crowds and my indecisive habit of returning things often leads to a stressful Mommy meltdown. So what possessed me to venture out with the masses at midnight on Black Friday remains a mystery. Maybe it was the consumer spirit and the dangling possibility that I could save $50 on a Kindle. Or the idea that my kids and I could do some bonding while buying. Then again, it was probably just the thrill of being part of consumer madness and the novelty of it all. Whatever the reason...it was a terrible choice and one I will not soon repeat or forget. While there were no pepper spray or shootings, there was: Honkin' long lines that truly did wrap around the perimeters of buildings Lack of sleep (it was midnight after all) Limited parking Rain Two cash poor children whose idea of Black Friday turned out to be shopping for themselves and wanting Mom to pay for part of an "early Christmas" Long lines in the stores ...