Take three deep breaths

Confession: I first started writing this post in January 2020. It was my last entry on this blog. The irony is not lost on me that it was the same month coronvirus was first announced in Seattle, or that two months later we'd all be quarantined to our homes for an unspecified amount of time. We know what happened next: nearly 7 million deaths worldwide from COVID-19; masks, masks and more masks; homeschool and home offices, devisiveness and hatred that split apart our country; vaccinated vs. unvaccinated status tearing apart families and so on. We don't need to rehash it more than that except to say our world will never be the same, especially around mental health. 

So was it just the calm before the storm that made me write the following words before all hell broke loose in the world via the pandemic, politics, transphobia, gun violence, racism, and the like?  Was I steeling myself for what was just around the corner? 

Over the last few weeks I have had a series of physical and mental setbacks that have made me realize that being "OK" is not all it's cracked up to be. 

Take the title of this blog, for example. What the hell does "zen" even look like? The definition sounds noble and worthwhile: "a state of calm attentiveness in which one's actions are guided by intuition rather than by conscious effort." Yet so many of us, myself included, interpret it to mean being happy all the time; finding your purpose and devoting your life to it; or taking drugs -- legal or illegal -- to help you find that state of calm. 

I wish I could have a nice little chat with myself from back then. What had happened that sparked these words of unrest? I went back and scrolled through photos on my phone to see if I could connect the dots. There was my hip replacement in October 2019 which I was proably still in pain from, and it was a stressful time at work with a school levy campaign in full swing, but nothing major. Reflecting on my up and down mood swings and struggle with depression, anxiety, ADD, and addiction, I realize it was probably a mash up of everything. 

Things have definitely been even more challenging the last three years, my father's decade-long struggle and recent death caused by Parkinson's; a replacement of my original hip replacement; menopause (finally diagnosed); and so on, and so on. 

Yet there's a noted difference. I now know it is "ok not to be ok." There are days, in fact, when things are particularly shitty, and I’m really sad for no reason. Or times when maybe I was the cause of distress so I acknowledge my role, apologize if necessary, and move on. I'm learning to be softer with myself and recognize emotions when they bubble up and over the top. I know it's not the end of world even when my hormones beg to differ. New approach: “Hello anxiety-guilt-anger-sadness-resentment-fear. I see you there, but I don't have any room for you to take over my behaviors and actions. You can hang for a little while, but not long. I'm going to go for a walk, watch an episode of The Mindy Project, call a friend, eat a cookie, or take a bath. See ya!" 

When I was little, teachers always described me as "intense" on my report cards. True, I was a perfectionist, wanting to win the mile run, get the best grades, or be president of whatever club. It was exhausting. So when I'd get really upset, my dear mother would always tell me to "take three deep breaths." It used to drive me crazy, and I'd whine, but eventually, with her present, I would do it. I hated admitting it helped. 

Today, I may not do daily meditation, but taking three deep breaths does help me chill the hell out. I also remember that everybody has their stuff, including me, but it doesn't have to control us. With support through therapy, medication, and recovery. 

I'm learning how to feel the feelings and be more comfortable in the uncomfortable. I'm learning that I am not responsible for making everyone around me happy and certainly I don't have to desperately seek - or find - zen. And neither do you. 

Author's note: This is my last entry on this blog. Thanks to faithful readers and friends. I stopped doing posts on it during COVID when I joined a small writers group and wrote my first middle-age novel, Superfreak. Still working on getting it published. Stay tuned!