Role reversal: Caring for Aging Parents

When my mom first started discussing back surgery I didn’t think much about the risks involved. This was, after all, a woman who had undergone many recent surgeries, including a broken femur and a triple bypass, and come out a champion!  She is one tough cookie for a woman in her late 70s who doesn’t complain much in the healing process. She makes friends with all the nurses and doctors and aides. Of course, my mom has always held people in the medical profession - especially doctors -- in high regard, probably since her beloved grandfather was a doctor. At one time she even dreamed of being a doctor herself, but gave it up after she didn’t get into the one med school she applied to after college. All this to say, her family had a lot of hope that her scoliosis, degenerative discs and osteoporosis could be relieved by a back surgery supposedly by one of the best surgeons in the medical profession. Alas that has not been the case so far, and I hurt for my mom as she hurts with every step she tries to take with her walker just to go to the bathroom.

The quest for the miracle back surgery began about a year ago as my sister and I began to realize something had to give. My dad has Parkinson's and had quit driving some time ago. His trips and falls were becoming a more regular occurrence. Mom was supposed to be his primary caregiver but she was nearly crippled. My parents lived in my Mom's historic family home, a three-story house with steep stairs and many fall risks. Not to mention a huge yard and two large dogs who needed exercise. So began the discussion of an inevitable move closer to one of their daughters and the need for a back surgery for mom. After much research, we landed on a Dallas-area spine specialist whose practice was credited with helping Tiger Woods (one of my Mom's heroes even though she's never golfed in her life). This would be two back-to-back (no pun intended) surgeries instead of one, which would involve the moving over of her organs and the installation of some cages, followed by more work with fusion and rods and pins. For the first time we had hope that things could maybe go back to normal.

Before we could do that however we needed to move my folks to Dallas, Texas. Suffice to say that is a whole other post in itself as downsizing ones parents from a four bedroom home with a full basement of antiques, books and photos was no small feat. There was yelling, crying and sneaking out multiple trash bags of stuff to the dump and Goodwill, but somehow we survived it and got my parents moved to a nice independent living community and two bedroom apartment. There is add-on home health care, their meals are served each day in a nice dining room and many activities from book club to water aerobics are offered each day for the 75+ community members. Like my parents, many of the residents have walkers or the motorized scooters and wheelchairs. It's pleasant but I still see the sadness in my parents eyes that it is not "home."

But back to the surgery. After the first surgery, we had to wait and delay the second surgery multiple times due to Mom's sodium level. We learned about something called Hyponatremia, which occurs when the concentration of sodium in your blood is abnormally low. Sodium is an electrolyte, and it helps regulate the amount of water that's in and around your cells. So fluid restriction and a small fortune in Gatorade was invested to help her recover what can be a life threatening condition (hence surgery delay). Five weeks later we were back on track, waiting for my Mom who spirits were still perky (see photo), to come out of surgery number two at last! Alas, when Energizer Bunny-Super Doc wheeled in on his own scooter due to recent foot surgery, the news was not great. He said, that Mom's first surgery had not worked. The cages they had put in had collapsed due to her brittle bones and they did what they could to rebuild it with tiny rods and pins. Only time and how hard she was willing to work on recovery would tell if she was better off or not in terms of less pain and a straighter back. He also said, and I quote, "If she doesn't work hard and move more she'll end up in a wheelchair and get pneumonia and be dead in a year." Thanks Doc! Of course Mom took the news like a champ, but the rest of us were worried, and frankly sort of depressed. It's hard when you can't control bad things happening to people you love. 

My mom and I have had some typical mother-daughter issues over the years, I truly do admire her spunk and fire and strength. Well I am not a Texas fan I do wish I lived closer at times like these. My sister has taken on the brunt of the caregiving for my parents which at times has pushed her to point of a mental breakdown. She works full time in a high-powered, demanding new job, is single and adopted my parents' previously mentioned two large, hairy dogs (she has one of her own already). This visit gave me a taste of being selfless and exhausted from 12 hours days in the hospital and their apartment. But this is nothing compared to the loss of independence and memory my folks have experienced since moving to Texas with the hope of a bright new mobile tomorrow. I am learning patience and remind myself to let go of things I can’t control. Sometimes I lose my temper and lash out at my bedbound Mom when she is moaning or seemingly "giving up." I say things, "Mom you are not trying hard enough! If you don't try you will die!" Nice, Courtney.

I don’t know how much longer they will be on this planet. So I savor the small moments of my mom and her beautiful smile as her beloved Oklahoma Sooners make a touchdown on the hospital TV. Or  singing along with '50s songs on the radio with my Dad as he shares his vast knowledge of the artists tucked away in his deteriorating brain. And there’s nothing like ailing parents to bring siblings closer together. My sister and I couldn’t be more different but she truly is my hero when it comes to staying calm most of the time and taking care of details that for me might end up on a lost Post It in my purse.

I love my parents and I’m grateful for all they did for me and my sister. Now I only hope that I can do some of that for them. It truly is the circle of life.

Update: After we finally got Mom's meds adjusted she seems to have turned a corner. It will be a long road ahead, including hours of physical and occupational therapy and possible weeks in skilled nursing away from Dad, but we are hopeful! This lady has more life to live and I am going to be there cheering her on and letting go of the bullshit that clutters our lives when we let it. And giving a lot of miles to Southwest Airlines!